How to Make "Orange is the New Black" Prison Cheesecake

The hit Netflix series Orange is the New Black is based on a true story: an upper-class white girl, Piper, goes to prison on 10-year-old drug charges. There's lots of fighting, gratuitous nudity, and even a transgender inmate. But the producers didn't include something the book emphasized: prison cheesecake. 

Apparently, inmates often fill their hours by concocting microwave creations, relying entirely on ingredients from the prison commissary or those smuggled in by the kitchen staff. Piper specialized in cheesecake, and lucky for us (maybe), she included the recipe in her book.

So being the cheesecake fan that I am, I had to make it.

What You Need

Here are the instructions, excerpted from the book by Piper Kerman:

1. Prepare a crust of crushed graham crackers* mixed with four pats of margarine stolen from the dining hall. Bake it in a Tupperware bowl for about a minute in the microwave, and allow it to cool and harden.
2. Take one full round of Laughing Cow cheese, smash with a fork, and mix a cup of vanilla pudding until smooth. Gradually mix in one whole container of Cremora**, even though it seems gross. Beat viciously until smooth. Add lemon juice from the squeeze bottle until the mixture starts to stiffen. Note: This will use most of the plastic lemon.
3. Pour into the bowl atop the crust, and put on ice in your bunkie's cleaning bucket to chill until ready to eat.

*I used one cup of graham cracker crumbs. This made for a crumbly crust, so I'd suggest using 3/4 cup. 

**This proved to be the most difficult ingredient to track down. I finally found it at Wal-Mart. Since it's non-dairy, it's not in the refrigerated section; it was down the coffee aisle, hidden on the bottom shelf, at my store. Cremora comes in different size containers: I'm guessing prison doesn't have the jumbo size, so I used about two-thirds of the 22-ounce bottle.

The resulting mixture was surprisingly smooth, although I did cheat and use my KitchenAid. It wasn't entirely cheesecake-like, though. More like marshmallow creme, but not quite as sweet. To be perfectly honest, it kind of grossed me out, probably because I knew it was primarily coffee creamer. That said, if I was in prison, it would be a welcome treat. (And my husband thought it was halfway decent.) 

My verdict: Save this for your Orange is the New Black viewing party. Otherwise, it will sit untouched in your fridge. It's been in mine for a week. 

Cookie Dough Oreo Cheesecake

Cookie Dough Oreos are officially on supermarket shelves. Of course, I promptly snatched up a package at Target, dug in the second I got home...and was kind of disappointed. 

They ARE better than most of the limited-time Oreos I've had in the past (I always buy them, but rarely like them). But they still don't really taste like cookie dough. As my sister put it, they have "a fake/manufactured cookie dough taste." Let's just say there's no risk of me digging the creme filling out by the spoonful.

In my opinion, any kind of Oreo, even the original ones, is best incorporated into a baked good. So I decided to whip up a Cookie Dough Oreo Cheesecake. Can you really ever go wrong with cheesecake? I think not. 

I was not disappointed.

I crushed up several Cookie Dough Oreos for the crust, then chopped up the rest and stirred them into the cheesecake batter. To make up for the Oreos' lacking flavor, I layered some actual cookie dough between the crust and the cheesecake. This was not a mistake.

What You Need

24 Cookie Dough Oreos, divided
2 Tbsp butter, melted
2 packages (8 ounces each) cream cheese, at room temperature 
1 jar (7 ounces) marshmallow creme
1 egg
1 package pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough (I used Toll House Chocolate Chip Lovers)

Put It All Together

1. Preheat your oven to 350°F.
2. Coat a springform pan with cooking spray. 
3. Crush 14 Oreos in a food processor, until finely ground. Mix with the melted butter, and firmly pack into the bottom of the prepared pan. Bake for 10 minutes, then cool for 10 minutes.
4. Press the cookie dough into a half-inch thick layer on top of the crust. (I used about three-fourths of the dough in the package.) 
5. Beat the cream cheese and marshmallow creme until smooth. Add the egg, and mix well. Chop up the remaining Oreos, and stir into the cream cheese mixture. 
6. Pour the mixture over the cookie dough, then bake for 20 to 25 minutes. Allow to cool completely, then refrigerate for at least 4 hours before serving.

Red Velvet Cookies with Cheesecake Filling

 

I owe you an apology. I have been MIA, but I do have an excuse: I've completely torn apart my kitchen (pictures to come!). I'm talking refinishing the cabinets (myself, gasp), ripping down dry wall, installing new countertops, the works. Which means my baking has been put on temporary hold.

But not completely.

I recently challenged my friend to a bake-off for a little mid-week entertainment. (What has my life come to? I know.) The only rule: The recipe had to come from Pinterest. Our judge was my man, Frank, which gave me a slight advantage. He's a devout follower of all things red velvet, so I settled on Red Velvet Cookies with Cheesecake Filling. The name alone is enough to make me drool.

 

The cheesecake filling was a bit laborious to prepare. I had to make the filling, roll it into little balls, then freeze it. (My patience is lacking, so I didn't freeze it for the full two hours, though.) But, wow, the payoff was big. The cookies had the divine, chocolatey depth of red velvet cake, and the filling contributed the perfect amount of pure, sugary sweetness. The white chocolate drizzle was the icing, quite literally, on an incredible cookie.

Oh, and my dessert won. Obviously.

Red Velvet Cookies with Cheesecake Filling
Courtesy of two peas & their pod

What you need

For the cookies:
1 box red velvet cake mix

2 Tbsp all-purpose flour

2 large eggs

½ cup canola oil 

1 tsp vanilla

For the filling: 

4 oz cream cheese, at room temp

2 cups powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla 

For the drizzle:

1 ½ cups white chocolate chips, melted

Put it all together

1. Thoroughly combine the cake mix and flour in a large bowl. Then, mix with eggs, oil, and vanilla extract until smooth. Wrap the dough in plastic wrap, and refrigerate for at least 2 hours.
2. To make the filling, use an electric mixer to combine the cream cheese, powdered sugar, and vanilla, mixing until smooth. Scoop out teaspoon-size balls, place on a plate, and freeze for at least 2 hours.
3. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Line a large baking sheet with parchment paper. Flatten about a quarter cup of dough in your hand, and wrap it around a frozen ball of cheesecake filling. Roll into a ball, and place on baking sheet. (Only bake three cookies per sheet. They spread.) Bake for 11-13 minutes, and remove from oven. Cool for 5 minutes, then transfer to a cooling rack and let cool completely.
4. Melt the white chocolate chips in a microwave-safe bowl, stirring every 30 seconds. Drizzle over the cooled cookies.

Funfetti Cheesecake Squares

We've established my obsession with Funfetti. Which means a glowing review of Funfetti Cheesecake Squares from me might seem slightly biased. So I'll open with an outsider opinion:


       "Those bars are so. darn. good. I grew up in a house where cake mix of any kind was verboten, so I'm new to the whole Funfetti thing. A whole wonderful world of baking is opening up!"


       Full disclosure: This email came from an intern who happens to report to me. So she's kind of obligated to like my desserts. (And use words like "verboten.") That said, another taster made a special trip to my office to praise my Funfetti Squares. And this taster feels no obligation to like my desserts (or me). So, I have full confidence in saying:


       This is one dessert you do NOT want to miss out on. 


       The bottom cake layer, where the Funfetti resides, is dense, almost crust-like, while the top tastes similar to cheesecake but with a flakier, creamier texture.  The combination is like crack to my sweet tooth.

Don't even start eating the dough. You won't have any left.

Funfetti Cheesecake Squares


What you need
1 box of Funfetti cake mix
1 stick butter, melted
3 eggs
8 oz cream cheese, softened
1 box powdered sugar (1 lb)
1 tsp vanilla


Put it all together

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. Mix cake mix, melted butter, and 1 egg into a doughy mixture. Press into a 9x13" pan. 
3. Beat cream cheese, 2 eggs, sugar, and vanilla together until thoroughly combined. Pour over cake mixture in pan. 
4. Bake for 40 minutes.