How to Make "Orange is the New Black" Prison Cheesecake

The hit Netflix series Orange is the New Black is based on a true story: an upper-class white girl, Piper, goes to prison on 10-year-old drug charges. There's lots of fighting, gratuitous nudity, and even a transgender inmate. But the producers didn't include something the book emphasized: prison cheesecake. 

Apparently, inmates often fill their hours by concocting microwave creations, relying entirely on ingredients from the prison commissary or those smuggled in by the kitchen staff. Piper specialized in cheesecake, and lucky for us (maybe), she included the recipe in her book.

So being the cheesecake fan that I am, I had to make it.

What You Need

Here are the instructions, excerpted from the book by Piper Kerman:

1. Prepare a crust of crushed graham crackers* mixed with four pats of margarine stolen from the dining hall. Bake it in a Tupperware bowl for about a minute in the microwave, and allow it to cool and harden.
2. Take one full round of Laughing Cow cheese, smash with a fork, and mix a cup of vanilla pudding until smooth. Gradually mix in one whole container of Cremora**, even though it seems gross. Beat viciously until smooth. Add lemon juice from the squeeze bottle until the mixture starts to stiffen. Note: This will use most of the plastic lemon.
3. Pour into the bowl atop the crust, and put on ice in your bunkie's cleaning bucket to chill until ready to eat.

*I used one cup of graham cracker crumbs. This made for a crumbly crust, so I'd suggest using 3/4 cup. 

**This proved to be the most difficult ingredient to track down. I finally found it at Wal-Mart. Since it's non-dairy, it's not in the refrigerated section; it was down the coffee aisle, hidden on the bottom shelf, at my store. Cremora comes in different size containers: I'm guessing prison doesn't have the jumbo size, so I used about two-thirds of the 22-ounce bottle.

The resulting mixture was surprisingly smooth, although I did cheat and use my KitchenAid. It wasn't entirely cheesecake-like, though. More like marshmallow creme, but not quite as sweet. To be perfectly honest, it kind of grossed me out, probably because I knew it was primarily coffee creamer. That said, if I was in prison, it would be a welcome treat. (And my husband thought it was halfway decent.) 

My verdict: Save this for your Orange is the New Black viewing party. Otherwise, it will sit untouched in your fridge. It's been in mine for a week. 

Mini S'mores Pies

So I'm a little late. August was National S'mores Month, because it's, supposedly, the prime time for campfires. But, I'm sorry, who really wants to cozy up to an open flame during the hottest month of the year? Certainly not me.

September, however, is another story. It signals the beginning of fall (and the birth of me!). It's the season of fleece jackets, pumpkin spice, and fallen leaves. That is campfire weather. 

Unless, of course, you live in an apartment that doesn't have a square of grass in its vicinity. By you, I mean me. The only fire that might happen is inside my apartment, since my pilot light has a habit of extinguishing itself, thereby threatening my life. But enough about the natural gas I regularly inhale during my sleep. Back to the bigger dilemma...

I live in an urban downtown, where campfires aren't too readily available. The next best thing: the broiler in my oven. I started with a crunchy graham cracker crust, whipped up a smooth, deep chocolate filling, and finally, topped it off with cinnamon marshmallows, browned under the broiler. 

The pie isn't overwhelmed by any one layer; rather, every bite delivers the impeccable balance of flavors that makes s'mores so addictive. It's the perfect dessert for the summer-fall transition: not fruity and summery, but not too pumpkin-hot-chocolate-hibernate-for-the-winter either. Take advantage now. 

Destroyed. 

Mini S'mores Pies

What you need

Crust
¾ cup graham cracker crumbs
2 ½ Tbsp sugar
3 Tbsp butter, melted

Chocolate Filling 
(adapted from Garden and Gun) 
5 large egg, yolks
6 Tbsp sugar
3 Tbsp cornstarch
¼ Tsp fine sea salt
2 cups whole milk
1 tsp vanilla
7 oz milk chocolate, melted

Topping
Marshmallows*

*I used Kraft Jet-Puffed Cinnamon Bun Marshmallows. The warmth of the cinnamon compensates for the lack of toasty, over-the-open-flame goodness. 

Put It All Together

1. Make the crust: Preheat the oven to 375°F. Combine the graham cracker crumbs, sugar, and melted butter. Divide evenly among 5 mini aluminum pie pans; press firmly into the bottom of each pan. Bake in the preheated oven for 7 minutes. 
2. Make the chocolate filling: Whisk together egg yolks, sugar, cornstarch, sea salt, until thick. Set aside.
3. Boil the milk in a medium saucepan. Whisk ½ cup of the hot milk into the egg yolk mixture (don't pour all of the milk in at once, or the eggs will curdle). Slowly pour in the rest of the milk, whisking constantly. 
4. Pour the egg-milk mixture into a heat-safe bowl, and place over a saucepan of simmering water, without letting the bottom of the bowl touch the water. Whisk constantly for 5 to 7 minutes, until the mixture looks glossy and thick.
5. Remove from heat, and stir in the vanilla and melted chocolate. 
6. Divide the chocolate filling evenly among the mini pies, then place marshmallows on top. (They should be touching, without any significant gaps.) Place under the broiler for 1-2 minutes, or until the marshmallows are light brown and slightly crispy.  

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Homemade Cream Cheese Ice Cream with Butterscotch-Bourbon Sauce and Blackberries

As much as I love summer—the heat, the vacations, the heat—I also kind of hate it. With warm weather comes a certain pressure: If I'm not outside, soaking up the sun, perfecting the tan I won't have for the other eight months of the year, I feel guilty and unappreciative. Irresponsible, even. But sometimes I just want to be lazy and sun-avoidant, to spend my weekends lounging by my oscillating fan, precisely positioned for maximum cooling in front of my window unit. 

       This Sunday, I indulged my desire for AC gluttony—and felt only moderately bad about it. Why? Because I made ice cream, which, to me, is one of the most gratifying (and essential) parts of summer. 

       Since I don't have an ice cream maker—I hate kitchen appliances that have only one purpose—I had to whip the ingredients into a frenzy every half hour, thereby excusing me from going outside. (And leaving me free to spend guiltless hours reading The Social Animal and HGTV Magazine in my bed.)

       This was my first time making ice cream, so I started with something simple: a cream cheese ice cream recipe from Southern Living. Half the battle of food blogging is photography, and let's be honest—a lump of white ice cream may taste delicious, but it's not the most visually enthralling dessert. So, I made a sweet, bourbon-based sauced, crumbled up graham cracker crust, and bought fresh blackberries to top it all off. 

        The whole process was a little laborious, but the payoff was big. The ice cream was incredibly creamy—I didn't even miss the candy mix-ins that most supermarket ice creams rely on—and the sauce was reminiscent of caramel, with an extra layer of warmth from the whisky. It was the perfect foil for the freshness of the berries.

Homemade Cream Cheese Ice Cream with Butterscotch-Bourbon Sauce and Blackberries
From Southern Living

What you need

Cream Cheese Ice Cream
3 cups half-and-half
1 ¼ cups powdered sugar
2 egg yolks
1 (8 oz) packaged cream cheese, softened and cubed
2 tsp vanilla extract
 
Butterscotch-Bourbon Sauce
1 ½ cups light brown sugar, firmly packed
½ cup butter
 ¾ cup whipping cream 3 tablespoons bourbon  Toppings Fresh blackberries Graham cracker crust, crumbled* * You can crumble a pre-made crust, or make your own and crush it. I combined 2 cups graham cracker crumbs with 3 ½ tablespoons melted butter, and baked at 350°F for 10 minutes.   

Put it all together  

1. To make the ice cream, whisk together the half-and-half, powdered sugar, and egg yolks in a large saucepan. Cook over medium heat, whisking constantly, for 8 to 10 minutes, or until it thickens slightly. 
2. Remove from heat, then whisk in the cubed cream cheese and vanilla extract, until the cream cheese is completely melted. The mixture should be smooth, without any clumps of cream cheese. Cool completely, about an hour, stirring occasionally. 
3. If you have an ice cream maker: Place plastic wrap over the mixture, and chill for 8 to 24 hours. Then pour the mixture into the freezer container of a 1.5-quart ice-cream maker, and freeze according to the manufacturers' instructions. Transfer ice cream to an airtight container, and freeze 4 hours before serving.
4. If you don't have an ice-cream maker: Follow these instructions from David Leibowitz: chill your ice cream mixture (from step 2) over an ice bath, then transfer to a bowl that has been chilled in the freezer. Check it after 45 minutes. When it starts to freeze near the edges, whisk it vigorously, breaking up any frozen sections. Repeat every half hour for the next 2-3 hours.
5. To make the sauce, combine the brown sugar and butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir constantly, about 3 to 4 minutes, until the butter is melted and well-combined with the sugar. Gradually add the whipping cream, and bring the mixture to a boil. Stir constantly for 3 minutes, then remove from heat and add the bourbon. Allow to cool for 20 minutes. (Note: If you refrigerate this sauce, it will become firm and difficult to pour.) 
6. Top a scoop of ice cream with graham crumbles and blackberries, drizzle with sauce, and serve.  

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Graham-Crusted Peanut Butter and Jelly French Toast

National PB&J Day: Graham-Crusted Peanut Butter & Jelly French Toast

The average kid scarfs 1,500 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before graduating high school. I probably consumed twice that. I religiously ate PB&J's every day, at least once a day, for the first 18 years of my life. My mom was strict about her formula: creamy Peter Pan with Bama grape jelly, slathered on Iron Kids white bread. And I was her devoted follower, convinced no one could replicate my mother's masterpiece. Then, suddenly, she announced her lunch-packing days were over. I was on my own.

       At first, I was devastated. Bitter, even. Every time I tried to make a PB&J, it fell flat, tasted entirely wrong. But then I discovered Peanut Butter & Co. Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. And natural peanut butter. And whole-fruit jelly. Toasting my bread. Constructing PB&J's became a welcome exercise in creativity—even today, I'm still playing with my formula and flavor combinations. (And sorry, Mom, white bread just won't cut it.) I've even branched out to non-sandwich arenas, as with my latest creation for National PB&J Day: 

Graham-Crusted Peanut Butter and Jelly French Toast

French toast
Inspired by the Big Book of Breakfast

What you need 
8 slices of thick-cut bread*
3 eggs
¾ cup whole milk
1 tsp vanilla
1 ½ tsp cinnamon
1 cup graham cracker crumbs
2 Tbsp brown sugar
2 Tbsp butter

Peanut butter sauce
½ cup peanut butter
½ cup heavy whipping cream
2 Tbsp dark brown corn syrup
¼ light brown sugar, packed
1 tsp cinnamon

Toppings
All-fruit strawberry jelly
Powdered sugar

*I used Martin's 100% Whole Wheat Potato Bread—one of the supermarket's best kept secrets. It's at once fluffy and hearty, and is perfect for whole-grain haters. The potato flour masks the flavor of the grains and gives the bread a slightly buttery taste. Delicious. 

 

Put it all together

1. Combine all of the peanut butter sauce ingredients in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir constantly until the consistency of the sauce is smooth. Turn heat down to low, so the sauce stays warm. 
2. Whisk the eggs, milk, vanilla, and ½ tsp cinnamon together in a large bowl. Mix the graham cracker crumbs, 1 tsp cinnamon, and brown sugar in a separate shallow bowl.
3. Dunk each slice of bread in the milk mixture, thoroughly coating each side. Then dip into the graham cracker mixture, so each slice is completely covered. 
4. Melt the butter in a skillet over medium heat. Cook each side of the coated bread a couple of minutes, until slightly crispy. 
5. Place two slices of bread on a plate, pour sauce over top, then finish it off with a tablespoon of jelly and a sprinkling of powdered sugar. Repeat with remaining slices.

Makes 4 servings.

Want more PB&J fun? Check out my Guy Gourmet post: Blueberry & Cream Cheese PB&J, courtesy of Peanut Butter & Co.'s founder, Lee Zalben.